This one goes out to all my friends who keep to their dreams even when people tell them that they can’t do it.

I admire your strength, motivation, perseverance, and struggle.

Whoa

New doors are opening.
New opportunities are coming.

You ready Geronimo? 

Sideline Coachin’

Steady coastin’ -
Through how much I believe in you
Moves to get through to the opposing team 
Sometimes isn’t easy and could be harder than it seems 
Questioning dreams
Pride ripped at the seams

Game plays not always successful
Foul
Give you that chance for that free throw shot
But nothing in life comes free
It takes work 
To make things work

Sideline coachin’ -
Making sure you do what’s best for you
‘Ain’t that right boo? - True’
Truer than my best intentions
Because my only intent was to see you grow
Take the risks that were worth it
Fail enough to learn the rewards of it
Fall so hard that the only way out is up
But in order to get out you need to get in
The same amount of time and passion you’re willing to spend

Then I get all choked up when the tables turn
My turn
Look to the world for my position in it
Sideline coachin’?
Stay steady coastin’?
When am I going to learn?
Experience the love, pain, and rewards
Moving toward my goal
What is my goal?

Now that I have a shot
Will I take that shot. 

Experiencing that I’m letting down and disappointing people.

I fucked up. I know. I could have done better. I know. I tired. I know.  

Figuring out where to go from here.

Ever have one of those times when there’s too much to handle and you want to just be like, ‘fuck it’ and leave all the BS behind, just get away for a while?

Should be…

Finishing up part 1 of this visual arts project, but I decided to play some Adele and look through old posts and blogs.
 
Things have changed whether it be small or dramatic.
Love has spread to different areas of my life.
Doors have closed, while others have opened.
Time has worked wonders.

I’m not saying my life is perfect - more that this is a crazyass journey and it’ll keep going.

It’s almost 1 in the morning too.

‘Songs to lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling to’

“How I’ve found you - flightless bird”

It’s come to my attention that it’s been a real long time since I ever sat…or in this case laid down to blog. Kinda weird because I feel like I use to do it often, but it’s real seldom now that I even pick up my journal to really dive into thoughts or anything. I guess I got so use to deflecting my thoughts and feelings. Got use to reading other’s stories and trying to lend a helping hand there, that I kinda forgot about my own issues that I need to handle. What do I even need to handle? Fuck, I don’t even know because I’m so use to setting these ridiculous goals that seem broad and impossible to measure. I guess sometimes I try to forget what I’m going through to be there for someone else. “Be the stronger person” I guess be that rock  for them to find stability.

“You could be happy, and I won’t know. But you weren’t happy the day I watched you go…is it too late to remind you how we were? Now our last days of silence scream in blur.”

Seriously paused to listen to this song. In ways it hurts to hear the lyrics…type it out and see how it changes the dynamic of the blog.

“More than anything I want to see your grow, take a glorious bite of the whole world.”

I guess it’s amazing for me to see how impactful music could be to me and my thought process. I think there’s a lot that I just want to hold back - lots that I keep in the back of my mind because sometimes I just don’t feel like it’s worth it. Sometimes I feel like my problems aren’t really as important. Maybe I feel like my thoughts are so fuckin’ complicated. Or maybe I feel like it’s just hard for me to open up like that and be fully open about it because I feel like I trusted people with parts of my life and it’s just been abused. I did shut down. I did change.

“I can’t look at you any other way…if you’re going to leave, be careful and watch how you treat every living soul.”

Feelings…feelings? I guess there’s a lot of strong dislike…hate? Idk if I could characterize it as that. Lots I want to say to people, lots of thoughts that I feel like it’s too late. Lots of thoughts that I felt like I tried to express, but soon cut off - whether the person didn’t want to hear it or didn’t understand. Fuck it. I guess it’s the hurt of being misunderstood.

“The soles of your shoes are all worn down.”

Eek - at this point I feel like I’m just being redundant and confusing. I guess this is all for now folks. The mind of a complicated soul. But hey - I’m human too.

“Just let me run where I want to run, just let me love who I want (x2)”

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

One of those nights when I look back and reflect on how far I’ve come and where this journey has taken me. 

How much has changed in a course of a week, month, year.

Ending the day with practicum was great. I love the space and I love the people. The affirmation exercise was a great reminder that I need to be more gentle with myself - and to work more on self-love. Words can’t describe how much love I felt by the end of the day and how much I appreciate sharing the space and experience with the PCs.

Driving home - cruising and listening to the music - straight up relaxing.

Life’s not easy, it’s a constant struggle - but a beautiful one.

My drive ended with ….Michael Buble - Haven’t Met You Yet

Btw, Happy Pi Day

Because I feel like I haven’t blogged or journaled in a really long time…

What’s going on in my life right now?

Week 9 is about to start.
Winter 2012 is about to end.
I feel like I just got over my a little past half quarter crisis.
I decided not to drop chem.
This is sounding really brief. 
I’m committed to push hard until finals are over.
Lowkey cutting myself out of events to do so.
Keeping communication open online/my phone.
Working on becoming stronger as a student, mentor, and person.
Thinking about different plans for Spring.
Thinking about different plans for Summer.
Life’s not all rainbows and butterflies for me right now.
I’m trying to stay focused.
I just need to do work on me.
As selfish as it sounds and feels -
I can’t help anyone else until I help myself.
Learning to be patience.
To not expect too much of myself.
Appreciate what is.
Fix what I can.
Accept what I can’t. 
It is what it is and that’s how it’s gonna be
Til I get there.