Ever have one of those times when there’s too much to handle and you want to just be like, ‘fuck it’ and leave all the BS behind, just get away for a while?

Should be…

Finishing up part 1 of this visual arts project, but I decided to play some Adele and look through old posts and blogs.
 
Things have changed whether it be small or dramatic.
Love has spread to different areas of my life.
Doors have closed, while others have opened.
Time has worked wonders.

I’m not saying my life is perfect - more that this is a crazyass journey and it’ll keep going.

It’s almost 1 in the morning too.

‘Songs to lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling to’

“How I’ve found you - flightless bird”

It’s come to my attention that it’s been a real long time since I ever sat…or in this case laid down to blog. Kinda weird because I feel like I use to do it often, but it’s real seldom now that I even pick up my journal to really dive into thoughts or anything. I guess I got so use to deflecting my thoughts and feelings. Got use to reading other’s stories and trying to lend a helping hand there, that I kinda forgot about my own issues that I need to handle. What do I even need to handle? Fuck, I don’t even know because I’m so use to setting these ridiculous goals that seem broad and impossible to measure. I guess sometimes I try to forget what I’m going through to be there for someone else. “Be the stronger person” I guess be that rock  for them to find stability.

“You could be happy, and I won’t know. But you weren’t happy the day I watched you go…is it too late to remind you how we were? Now our last days of silence scream in blur.”

Seriously paused to listen to this song. In ways it hurts to hear the lyrics…type it out and see how it changes the dynamic of the blog.

“More than anything I want to see your grow, take a glorious bite of the whole world.”

I guess it’s amazing for me to see how impactful music could be to me and my thought process. I think there’s a lot that I just want to hold back - lots that I keep in the back of my mind because sometimes I just don’t feel like it’s worth it. Sometimes I feel like my problems aren’t really as important. Maybe I feel like my thoughts are so fuckin’ complicated. Or maybe I feel like it’s just hard for me to open up like that and be fully open about it because I feel like I trusted people with parts of my life and it’s just been abused. I did shut down. I did change.

“I can’t look at you any other way…if you’re going to leave, be careful and watch how you treat every living soul.”

Feelings…feelings? I guess there’s a lot of strong dislike…hate? Idk if I could characterize it as that. Lots I want to say to people, lots of thoughts that I feel like it’s too late. Lots of thoughts that I felt like I tried to express, but soon cut off - whether the person didn’t want to hear it or didn’t understand. Fuck it. I guess it’s the hurt of being misunderstood.

“The soles of your shoes are all worn down.”

Eek - at this point I feel like I’m just being redundant and confusing. I guess this is all for now folks. The mind of a complicated soul. But hey - I’m human too.

“Just let me run where I want to run, just let me love who I want (x2)”

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

One of those nights when I look back and reflect on how far I’ve come and where this journey has taken me. 

How much has changed in a course of a week, month, year.

Ending the day with practicum was great. I love the space and I love the people. The affirmation exercise was a great reminder that I need to be more gentle with myself - and to work more on self-love. Words can’t describe how much love I felt by the end of the day and how much I appreciate sharing the space and experience with the PCs.

Driving home - cruising and listening to the music - straight up relaxing.

Life’s not easy, it’s a constant struggle - but a beautiful one.

My drive ended with ….Michael Buble - Haven’t Met You Yet

Btw, Happy Pi Day

Because I feel like I haven’t blogged or journaled in a really long time…

What’s going on in my life right now?

Week 9 is about to start.
Winter 2012 is about to end.
I feel like I just got over my a little past half quarter crisis.
I decided not to drop chem.
This is sounding really brief. 
I’m committed to push hard until finals are over.
Lowkey cutting myself out of events to do so.
Keeping communication open online/my phone.
Working on becoming stronger as a student, mentor, and person.
Thinking about different plans for Spring.
Thinking about different plans for Summer.
Life’s not all rainbows and butterflies for me right now.
I’m trying to stay focused.
I just need to do work on me.
As selfish as it sounds and feels -
I can’t help anyone else until I help myself.
Learning to be patience.
To not expect too much of myself.
Appreciate what is.
Fix what I can.
Accept what I can’t. 
It is what it is and that’s how it’s gonna be
Til I get there. 

If you’d ask me how I felt right now - I don’t know how to answer.

I guess I’m on this path of learning how to be comfortable saying, “Mmm I’m not okay” or “Mmm not so good” or “Mmm I’m trying to figure that out.” These past few days I’ve been learning about masks. Masks? Yeah, masks that people-well masks that I bear around my face, my mind, and my heart. I guess I could call it the, “I’m okay, how are you?” mask or the, “Everything is fine/good/alright” mask. Basically, the fake-ass let me cover up what I’m really going through mask. I guess I’m not ready to really tell people how I’m really doing or how I’m really feeling. I guess I’m still trying to find the courage to admit it with myself. That I’m not okay. 

Confused? Yeah - that’s word…yeah that’s the feeling. Lost? Hmm, sorta I guess. Lost in a sense that I’m trying to figure myself out causing me to become lost in my thoughts and priorities. Proud? Of the fact that I’m now taking ownership over my shit and sketching a line for myself. Disappointed? Of feeling like I’m letting others down with that line I’ve drawn for myself. Vulnerable? Fuck yeah - of putting myself out there and slowly peeling off the layers that bind me and hold me back..from well me. Blessed? Yeah - of course. To have people who got me and make me feel like I’m not alone in this process.

If you’d ask me what I need to do right now - I think I would know the answer.

Take care of the relationship I have with myself - before anything else.

Struggling.

It’s week 2.
Pressure is on.
It’s been since day 1.
I’m not invincible.
I can’t do everything.
My head hurts.
I hate these high expectations.
Piles of readings.
Growling tummy.
Restless mind.
Sleepless nights.
I can’t please everyone.
Time is limited.
My headaches.
My planner can’t handle my schedule.
Tired of being tired.

It’s hard to explain.
Don’t ask what.

Just listen.

You hear that?
Struggle is calling.
And growth is around the corner. 

But it’s going to be a hell of a journey.
To get there. 

Investment

I really don’t know exactly how I feel right now. I guess the top three words I can come up with is pressured, guilt, emotional. Hella money was dropped this quarter for books, the most I probably ever spent on pieces of paper published by some person who worked real hard to get it published, but I’d probably only study for a week or two tops. Actually - I take that back…this is the most my parents spent on me for books alone because I don’t make enough money to support myself. Fuck, I barely make enough to support my gas tank for 2 weeks. It’s only day 2 of week 1 and I can admit to feeling burnt out of energy. I wake up early to come home tired. Tired and uninspired.  I usually bring this motivated, ready to ‘bring it’ energy…but lately I just couldn’t do it. I know my parents want me to succeed, want to provide me with everything I need for school - but they as well as I know …this is getting too damn expensive. This pressure to succeed, to achieve great heights, to get through these next 10 weeks of my life…is challenging me to the max. I’m reflecting more so on the investment in this….time, energy, money. Sometimes its hard for me to sleep because I feel restless. My body is tired, but my mind is awake - jumping from thought to thought. I’m struggling to keep it all under control.

In the end…the worth of this investment - is up to me.

But then I can’t help but to ask myself…am I really getting what I want out of all this? 

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself in the position where I feel stuck - wondering what if. Where I allow myself to hurt more than I should - when at this point is actually is unnecessary. Sure, I miss it and you sometimes - but in terms of if it’s worth my energy and time, I’d have to pass.

Anyone that selfish does not deserve what I have to offer - real shit.

I can’t say it enough - but fuck everything and everyone that did me dirty in the past.

But at the same time - thanks because of what I experienced I grew into a stronger person. I gained greater relationships that I will cherish forever.  Relationships with people who I know provide genuine love and care.

Picked myself up in the end and I’m moving forward as you run circles around the same old routine. 

2012 - Let’s do it. Oww owww