If you’d ask me how I felt right now - I don’t know how to answer.
I guess I’m on this path of learning how to be comfortable saying, “Mmm I’m not okay” or “Mmm not so good” or “Mmm I’m trying to figure that out.” These past few days I’ve been learning about masks. Masks? Yeah, masks that people-well masks that I bear around my face, my mind, and my heart. I guess I could call it the, “I’m okay, how are you?” mask or the, “Everything is fine/good/alright” mask. Basically, the fake-ass let me cover up what I’m really going through mask. I guess I’m not ready to really tell people how I’m really doing or how I’m really feeling. I guess I’m still trying to find the courage to admit it with myself. That I’m not okay.
Confused? Yeah - that’s word…yeah that’s the feeling. Lost? Hmm, sorta I guess. Lost in a sense that I’m trying to figure myself out causing me to become lost in my thoughts and priorities. Proud? Of the fact that I’m now taking ownership over my shit and sketching a line for myself. Disappointed? Of feeling like I’m letting others down with that line I’ve drawn for myself. Vulnerable? Fuck yeah - of putting myself out there and slowly peeling off the layers that bind me and hold me back..from well me. Blessed? Yeah - of course. To have people who got me and make me feel like I’m not alone in this process.
If you’d ask me what I need to do right now - I think I would know the answer.
Take care of the relationship I have with myself - before anything else.
The Cycle of a Relationship;;
Starts off with conversing, then crushing, then the chase, then officially talking, then going out, the cutesy phase, the first fight, the comfortable phase, the questioning, the break-up….
Looking back struck me because it was something I put aside for a while to work on building myself up again. I’d have to admit I did start tearing up looking at past pictures that I haven’t seen for months and some even years. For some reason, this one just spoke the loudest to me. It reminds me, that once upon a time I was attached, yet this made me really happy and I should be thankful for that. That I was blessed to have met someone who’s impacted my life and in the end that’s all that matters right? And that its no good to live with regrets. Moreover, it reminds me how beautiful relationships can be, so why envy them or be in fear of loving again? There’s endless possibilities that are capable of coming my way if I stay hopeful and just allow it to happen.
Break-ups are never easy. Saying good-bye in general is never easy. They tend to take tolls on people. But in reality sometimes it’s better to let go even if it means getting hurt in the process. Because well, sometimes holding may cause more damage than intended.
Yes, it still hurts.
Yes, I’ve come to admit to myself the changes.
Yes, I still care.
Yes, I’m moving forward with my life.
Yes, I will eventually be okay.
But, I don’t think I never really thanked you. Thanked you for all of the smiles, the comfort, the laughs, the good memories.
Congratulations on your accomplishments and hard work through all of the struggles you had to endure. From the bottom of my heart - I’m truly proud of you.
Even though we may not talk as much, I promised that I will always be here as your friend with open ears and arms.
I don’t know if you’ll read this or if anyone will at that. Just know this was written with no intentions to hurt anyones feelings. It was just something I wanted to get off my chest, heart, and mind and that’s all that really matters to me. And well, maybe empower and inspire anyone else whom chooses to read this.
The last part of the Cycle is detachment and progressing forward.
I’m still getting acquainted with the ropes, but I can assure you that as soon as I got it on lock I’ll be well on my way.
“And that’s all she wrote.”
On the drive home today;;
4 o’clock struck and I was out of the office and headed to the bus stop. Got on right away and headed to the car. Everything seemed to be going by quickly. I was excited to go home because we get the next two days off. But, the drive was a bit strange…there was traffic - and though its pretty normal, it was more heavy than usual….and heavy thoughts hit my mind. I drove on go, stop, go, stop. My thoughts seemed to be flowing with no stop in sight. Little did I know - I’d encounter another traffic jam…this time within my mind.
Adele - Someone Like You came on, on my iPod playlist. I listened carefully to how the words entered my ears, touched my mind, and melted my heart. Soon then I felt something seep through my sunglasses. I was crying.
I hate to turn up from the blue uninvited, but I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it. I’d hope you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded that for me…it isn’t over yet.
I let them fall, let them drain out what I’ve been holding back. It felt kinda weird just breaking down and not fighting it, being vulnerable for the time being. I contemplated…was it worth crying to someone about…was it worth speaking about. Time passed and the tears dried away. I decided to just blog about it and let it go. I soon made it home.
I wish nothing, but the best for you two. Don’t forget me. I think I remember you sayin’ sometimes it lasts to love…but sometimes it hurts instead.
So, there’s this thing about pain and heartbreaks. How to cope with…how to move on…how to let go. I kinda forgot what it meant to me. I went by the saying “it takes time…” that I forgot how fresh it was still to me (though I am progressing in my healing process). But people just will never know…never know what truly still hurts. Because of course we want to uphold the strong image. I then thought about it…what if instead of “Fresh Paint” postings ….there was “Fresh Pain” ones for people. How would people react? Would it even make a difference?
My problem is looking back I guess. Encountering things that strike me to feel those same things I once did. Feeling the tears fall. Then ending it off by taking that breath in and out as a step…to just move on with my life.
I mean, I know I’ll be okay - it’s just going to be a while, but I know I’ll get there.
Truth is….
Not everyone is going to understand you.
Not everyone is going to care about you.
Not everyone is going to be proud of you.
Not everyone is going to think about what’s best for you.
Not everyone is going to speak kindly of you.
Not everyone is going to love you…
It sucks, it hurts and it’s just complicated all around. For me, yes it is something that is difficult to accept. But at the same time…
Not everyone is going to be aware of your COMPLETE story.
That’s where the truth is and if that’s not where they’re at - then there’s a reason for that.
I need to keep reminding myself that people are in my life for a reason and I need to cherish that. Keep my head up and my heart happy.
It’s okay to hurt sometimes.
